country

After visiting Manhattan, it was clearly time to visit the opposite kind of place in new york, up in the adirondacks. I prefer cities, I quite dislike being someplace where nothing happens. But the photos I took were quite fabulous.

trip to new york city

Went for a trip to new york city. I really like that the megabus takes a stop around here, since the only other option is the ethan allen express which is unbelievably expensive. Megabus is 30$ round trip. The only thing I don't like is that while the megabus will drop you off in the thick of the action, the actual pick up stop is way over by the Javits center where nothing good happens, which means a long walk through boringsville. Still worth saving a hundred dollars though. I met up with a good friend of mine and I'm so happy that I did because I don't think this trip would have been as good as it was without her. And without her skills to guide my country bumpkin self through Manhattan.

Belvedere castle, the first stop which I truly wanted to visit. It was awesome but the castle is smaller once you see it in person. Looks big in photos, though!

The skyline as I was leaving, the storms from upnorth were headed south which made the sky on the way home look totally weird and ominous.

          Of course, I can't go anywhere with a wee bit of shopping. I saw a lovely little stand where a farm from long island was selling fresh lavender and lavender. It's my weakness. I picked up a big bag of culinary lavender and a bottle of lavender essential oil... it's def. better than the other essential oil I have. Then I saw a lovely store that sold beads and jewelry supply, and well, had to go in there. I bought a bone crucifix, a mary connector, some crystal beads, two vials of some very beautiful tiny glass beads to add to my tatting, and sequins... because I have ye to find a nice clear sequin.... until then. So excited. I also got some black ones for purposes I don't know but hey, you can never have too much sparkle.

I will say it a million times, I absolutely hate the college system and the way that local colleges treat students in medical internship programs. They'll treat you like dirt, screw you out of your money, and when you don't like it, the response is "we don't care if you don't like it" and "you are expendable". They treat students badly and get away with it because they're the only option within 50 miles. If you don't like it, fuck you, and fuck your dreams and fuck your money and fuck your dignity, because we don't give a fuck. If it were any other industry, these people would be absolutely out-of-fucking business for these malpractices, but they're not because every student is too scared to say anything because the college has your balls in a vice. Well, I'm taking mine out of the vice and throwing them in the administrator's face because I when I want something, I better damn well get it. I don't command respect, I command. End of the line.

I got tons of new supplies. I am feeling super accomplished. I got some yesterday, got more today, and I still need to get a couple more things that I couldn't find elsewhere to finish a few projects but after that it's not more supplies for me for a long, long time. lol I am not even kidding when I say I have a stock pile to last me ages.

right now I am thinking about the wars and genocide going on in the world and for some people the world to them is blood shed right out of their window. but for me the war is in my veins. and the war is me vs. this disease and right now the situation is one of uncertainty

I've been getting a lot more requests to draw things and lately I just haven't been feeling it. Idk, I guess that I'm really more in the mood to tat something, or take pictures, or write. I used to be the draw person. When I was younger I would draw things. Now I make things and really, I'm getting to the point where I prefer that. For me creating things is just the thing that makes me happy. I made a thing. I am looking at the thing I made. It's like I had all these little pieces and I put them together in order to make a thing. The act of finishing an item and holding it to me is probably one of the bet feelings in the world. For me seeing a finished thing is whats gonna' make me happy. It's always nice to sell something or get comments but for me, just knowing that there a thing out there that I made with my hands is what feels good. If I can hold it in my hands, it feels better. That's why I don't like digital art and sometimes feel more than underwhelmed by my own photography, but even with traditional art there's a huge difference in holding a paper and wearing a necklace.

I've been thinking a lot about moths lately. I finally watched silence of the lambs. I've been a huge fan of the books for years now, they are one of my favorites. And I absolutely love the Hannibal TV series... but I had never seen Silence of the Lambs. For years I had been putting it off. It's just another one of those movies that everyone has seen except me, save for this time it's a movie that I would actually enjoy, as opposed to most movies which I dislike. Last night I decided to finally play on my laptop while making jewelry for my shop. The scene where Clarice is in the museum with the that are identifying the moth pupa found in the girls mouth as a deaths head moth and the scientist just says, "somebody loved him" under his breath about the moth as he was looking at in awe just inspired me a lot.  For whatever reason, that one scene just stuck in my mind as I was drawing some sketches of designs I want to make.

So I've decided that I want to publish a series of photo books, one or more for each season. The problem? I have maybe less than 50 publishable winter photographs and literal thousands of spring, summer and fall ones.

Oh well, I suppose the winter book will just have to be disproportionately smaller than the rest.

I am a very isolated person. I think a lot of my problems with being socially retarded come from my early childhood and living with my grandmother and not having any social interaction outside of school. When I was in elementary school I was always living way out in the boon docks, we had no neighbors. All the other kids at school were living in the housing developments or in town so they all knew each other. They went to preschool together, they rode the bus together, their parents were friends, they lived in the same neighborhood. Not me. I was the outsider.  And then I remained the outsider to every friend I ever had after that. I guess I have never been on the 'inside' of a group, only on the outside. For awhile it was really hard to deal with, I was pretty miserable when I was younger. But once I hit 15-16, I guess I finally broke or something because the isolation that made me feel so alone started to become empowering. I embraced my loneliness. It went from being my tormentor to being my best friend.

I had a lot of fantasies about being a hermit in the mountains. For a long time thats what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to go up, up north, live in a cabin and never come back down. And people would tell me, wouldn't you feel lonely? People are social beings. Not me. Well, I don't why it would make me feel lonely. I've been isolated from everyone my entire life, if anything, the idea of a being a hermit is very comforting to me.  For me, being alone just feels good. Someone once told me they were afraid of the dark and I told them to think of the darkness as if it were a big, black blanket that was wrapped around you, keeping you warm and safe.  In some ways, I think the fear of loneliness is just as 'normal' as a fear of the dark, a lot of people are afraid of being a alone. But for me, I think being alone the same way as I think about being the dark, it's like a warm blanket. It's nice. I like it. It's become a preference for me, actually. I have a feeling when I move to Seattle I am going to be in for a big culture shock.

It's getting around that time to think about gardening. There are still high snow banks around here but that just means that I still have time to prepare. I have quite a few perennials and bulbs but I like growing things and most of the perennials I plant die after the first year anyways because our soil is basically plant poison. This year I want to plant lots of cosmos and baby's breath. I also want to plant some:
-nemophila
-foxgloves
-linium
-lupin
-sweet peas
-pansies

I also want to get some new roses, all we have here are some bright pink ones. :C They're two huge bushes full of roses that bloom from May to November but they are just the ugliest color. The color is very upsetting to me. I do applaud the roses for staying alive and being such reliable flowers but their hideous Malibu Barbie pink color is just... upsetting to me. I want some white, red and maybe *pale pink* roses.

Some where I was reading about musicians and the challenges that alternative and indie acts face when it comes to piracy, and one of the comments said something along the lines of, "It's not piracy that kills acts, it's obscurity." I feel like this describes my exact problems when it comes to being a jewelry and fashion designer. I have no idea how to shoot myself out of obscurity. I might as well be sewing handmade invisibility cloaks at this rate. So far my ideas of how to get more page views are:
+submit everything I make on deviantart
+post my stuff to lots of DA clubs and on the forums
+try to use my facebook page. link to facebook page frequently.
+make one item for my shop every day.
+get 200 free project wonderful adspaces every other day

I have no idea how to get notoriety. Like, literally none at all. I actually did host one giveaway and I received a grand total of like, 15 likes on facebook, half of which were from my friends who probably feel bad for me. But hey, I think it worked well because one person got some jewelry they liked so I guess things turned out well. But I see people who aren't nearly as good at artwork as I am making hella bank and getting lots of pageviews, and I just don't get it. What do they have that I don't? It certainly isn't skills, but what else it could be is entirely beyond me.

i am better at baking than making graphics about baking

Like on one hand, I think it's pretty rad that I people I talk to on forums can click a link in my signature and come over here and learn stuff about my crafting hobbies and other thing,s but on the other hand, it does invite people who really dislike me and enjoy singling me out and silencing my contrary opinions to come over here and hate-follow me.. I'm also pretty sure this same person is the one leaving mean comments on this one story I'm updating on ff.net but have no proof of that, it just seem like something they would do. Which is fine with me. I can delete whatever they say just like how they delete everything I say that they happen to disagree with. It goes both ways. :) Oh well, maybe I should just be glad that nobody from den of angels found my posts about owning recast bjds.

I wonder if they feel good about hate following me. I feel like hate following me would be really boring. I don't even get their motivation. I mean I get hate-following since I hate follow a lot of people, (Here's looking at you, Lime Crime) Like what is the point of hate following me? I don't even do anything wrong or even mildly interesting. I'm not even fun to gossip about, there's no scandal in my life to gossip about. I'm just kind of a blunt, arrogant hipster. I post art and craft stuff but my stuff is pretty damn good so it's not like people are looking at it to laugh at. I'd imagine my artwork would just look totally uninteresting to anyone who doesn't like the aesthetic. The only thing I put up public online that gets me a lot of pageviews is my fanfiction and I don't care if people insult my writing. Oh man someone called me a hipster and a troll I better delete this fic I've worked for months on because someone called me a HIPSTER. Oh god. The shaaame. It's like, I really don't have a lot of sore spots that people can really make fun of. I think the only thing that really upsets me in my life is my dead father and thyroid disease. And those are very hard things to make jokes out of.  Maybe I should blog more about my thyroid disease to give this person something fun to look at lol.

plagiarized to death, critically acclaimed

New Angelspit album!!!!! I can say that the high quality production of Angelspit is the main reason why they are my favorite band. They go above and beyond with each release. I really respect that as a fan because I know every time I preorder an album, it's going to be high quality. When Zoog says's he's going to make a lullaby for the antichrist, he makes a lullaby for the antichrist. I feel like Angelspit is probably the best of industrial bands out there, not only for the consistently high production values but also for being really respectful and awesome to their fanbase. Listening to Angelspit always takes my creative ambitions and amps them all the way to 11,000. It is the perfect soundtrack to creative mayhem.


Favorite lines from "The Product":
-You are not a-list, you are craigslist. (the best burn I have ever heard)
-I will leave a crater where you used to stand.
-Plagiarized to death, critically acclaimed.
-"Because God!" (click this link)
-She went out to play with the devil but never came back.
-I love you means so much more when you're gagged. (I saw this line posted on angelspit's facebook as a status a while back. Awesome to see it again!) 
-The queen don't want a king, she wants a nemesis she can fuck.

I hate the disgusting attitudes that so many colleges have. I really dislike how they act like I should be honored with their presence, or acting like them returning my phone calls or emails is some kind of luxury brand treat they are so graciously bestowing upon me. As if this whole college thing is them doing me a favor. How about no? I am a paying customer. If I pay to have my transcripts sent- they better fucking be sent on time. I don't order food at a restaurant and hope that the waiter brings me my fucking food. This is no different. No colleges, you're not doing students "a favor". You are the service, we are the customers. If I was treated in any other place of business with the same rude, dismissive, and condescending treatment I've received at various colleges, I'd be entitled to some free vouchers.

Today I went to tj maxx and got one of those shower organizers to hang my necklaces on. I was going to make a fancy one but I got lazy. This was 8$ and it performs the basic function of storing and displaying all my necklaces so I can find them quickly for shipping.  Half of these are for my store, the other 20 or so are all my personal collection. I don't need any necklaces. I think I'll just buy ring from now on... replace one addiction for the other. Tackling my store of rings will be my next big challenge. lol.

My other sweet grabs from tj's includes a nice big bottle of food grade lavender buds from their spice collection. Don't judge me they have cheap and tasty tea and spices. Plus I now have tons of lavender, I have so much lavender I'm not sure quite what I'll do with it, but I've already got lavender tea cake on my mind.

Chronic illness is so not punk rock. I feel like a lot of music is all about the enemy from the outside. Fuck the system. Bring down 'the man'! Smash the patriarchy. Blow up the corporate buildings. But there's no songs about turmoil from the inside. Sure, we have 'punktorian' (that is neither punk rock nor victorian) like Emilie Autumn who sings about mental illness, but really most of her songs are about how much she hates the medical system (and here we're back to fuck the system), Billy Corgan, doctors, lithium, misogyny, etc. It's always about what "the system" or whatever enemy you put to introduce... is doing to fuck up your life. It's about taking the blame and throwing it at someone else and screaming, "look at what you fucked up!" Even in the case of mental illness, it's all about "the illness", the imbalance is destroying you. It's all about you vs. "the system". But if what if there is no system that destroys you? What if the destruction is truly from within?

Sometimes, I feel like theres no music that I can really relate to how I feel right now. I feel like this is more of an HP Lovecraft scenario, what chronic illness is to me anyways. It's some cosmic, unfathomable thing that comes in without rhyme or reason to chew up your life and spit you back from it's broken glass jaw as nothing more than a pile of broken bones and dreams. It has no reasons. It's not your douchey exlover who chided you for cutting yourself. It's not the greed of corporations that corrupts our government into taking from the poor and giving to the the rich. It's not some outside "force". It's cosmic. There is no reason or rhyme why this happened to me.

 I'm not special. I'm not different. My choices didn't land me here. I didn't smoke one pack a day into lung cancer, I didn't eat myself into diabetes. It happened. It happened just because it could happen. There is no rationale. There is no blaming this on someone else. I can't even blame myself for it. It's this destructive force that is without motive, without reason, so inhuman and unstoppable. It has nothing that it wants, it has no motive to be there, it is an unstoppable cosmic force that doesn't have a will to act of it's own. It is an insperable parasite that is attached ot every cell in my body. It can be understood as something that can't be destroyed and that's it. It's terror for terror's sake.

In essence, chronic illness is so not punk rock. It is quite eldritch, though.

I really don't care if I seem boring to other people on the outside. My appearance is the opposite of colorful, I wear all monochromatic colors, with the occasional red, but I'm trying to phase red out of my wardrobe now that my hair is it's natural dark brown and no longer the sanguine blood red that it used to be. I actually prefer the dark brown over the red; because it's dark and dreary and dull. It makes me look pale and dead without the artificial 'harshness' of purely black hair. In a way, it's much more 'goth' than the bright red. I like looking corpse like, I like being all black, I like the look of "boring" and monochromatic. I don't care if it seems boring that I spend all of my free time making art. I have no basis on which to connect with most other people. I may as well be of another breed entirely. Other people have friends, they have families.

The "artists" and "writers" I've met are more focused on making friends and talking about making art than they actually are on making art. They spend more time talking with people and bragging about being an artist than they spend on, y'know, actually making some fucking art. Not me.  I've got sore hands and no social life. And if someone wants to look at me and think, "look at her all in black with no friends, she must be one of those boring, depressed, goths," I don't really care. I've got a box full of lace I've made at home.

I have two moods:
-so tired I can't function
-asleep

Yesterday I tried experimenting with dying more of my cotton tatting threads. I used some different kind of teas, trying to get some mottled pink and ecru colors going on. They really don't sell any good crochet thread in colors here, they sell acrylic crochet thread but you really can't use that stuff for tatting because it won't stand up to the tension and snap. The only colors I can find around here are white, off white, dark red, and that is it. I would like to work with some gray threads but they don't have them here, and it's far too expensive for me to buy specialty made tatting thread on line, or buy a few skeins of dmc pearl embroidery threads which is even more expensive.

I have a weird fixation on tatting with black thread and peacock colored sead beeds, though tbh, even though when I buy them they're always labeled "peacock" or "carnival", but I think they actually remind a lot more of iridescent jewel beetle wings than anything else. But maybe craft suppliers don't call them that because most people thick all bugs= icky and not some bugs= pretty neat. I made a long split ring chain just using these and the same simple 4-4/4-4 pattern, not sure what sort of pendant I'll put on it but I really like making tatted chains, they're lighter than metal chains so it's great if you like layering necklaces buuuut they cost like, three times as much to make. They go through about 6$ worth of thread and 3$ worth of beads, making the cost of producing a tatted necklace chain to 9$+ the, y'know, six hours of tatting it takes to make them lol. As compared to y'know, that I can buy enough chain for 9$ to make four necklaces and it takes me like, 10 minutes tops to make a simple pendant necklace. So it's def. not the method you want to use to keep costs low.

pictured above: in progress of a tatted collar/choker I am working on. Rarely do I ever make shorter necklaces because I like wearing my necklaces nice and long so I can just pull them over my head and layer a few of them together... so this one will be headed to the shop as soon as I can. finish it. woo hoo.

I changed the theme on my storenvy, I really like it. The background and logo used to be very dark, but I think that the lighter background and design are much nicer, plus the new themed has a much more rococo inspired look to it, but with moths. :) I love my nocturnal winged bros.

I swear I have called almost every single doctor in the area, and almost all of them simply will not see new patients at all, I even called doctors who don't take my insurance, and it was a no, because they aren't taking new patients and won't even accept me if I pay upfront in cash. Not even within the scope of my small town, I mean every doctor within a two hour drive of my location. I've even tried contacting an osteopath or naturopath, and nothing. And every endocrinologist in the area outright refuses to see patients without a referral from a GP, because it's "in high demand" and they don't want to "waste their time". (More reasons for me to dislike the idiots of the world who ate their way into type-two diabetes) And no, talking to my current doctors office will not, and has never helped me at all, they are so fucking stupid that I'd probably get better treatment from a fake doctor in a third world country than I would at their office. I don't even get to speak with the actual doctor at my current gp's office, I get to speak with the PA; who may be nice and cute and polite but being nice and cute and polite doesn't mean that she actually knows what the fuck she's talking about because she very clearly, does not.

 I have nothing against PAs. I see the PA at my neurologists office and she is great and helpful. I'm not even against doctors, most doctors I met have been great and thanks to my numerous health problems- I've seen a lot of doctors in my life. It's just that my GP and everyone at their office is horribly incompetent, idiotic, and will not offer me decent healthcare at all despite the fact that I actually really need some goddamn heath care. It's not like I've stubbed my toe and spent almost two years whining about it. I have what is an extremely damaging and harmful endocrine disease that is slowly destroying my body and ruining every aspect of my entire life. This is not something you want your doctors to dick around with. Yet they have: dismissed all of my claims at every possible moment, have blown me off when I have tried to schedule many, many appointments, won't give me a referral to see an endo, take over two months to get the results of my bloodwork then inform me that they've actually lost some of my blood and couldn't even get all the test results back, told me that I am "just depressed" and should consider taking an antidepressant (no I did not get a psych eval before they said this), and the most they've been willing to help me with is send me off to a dermatologist for my hair loss who told me that my scalp is perfectly healthy and it' s probably falling out because of a hormonal imbalance... then I asked them for a referral to an endo and they ignored me time and time again and won't even answer my calls and I've been trying to get a new doctor for months and now I'm taking questionably legal pills because thats literally the only option I am left with.

I'm pretty sure the reason why they are the only doctor in the area is because nobody else in their right mind would want to see them. I certainly don't. The only reason why I'd step foot in their office again is to scream loudly at the patients in the waiting room with, 'stop what you are doing and LEAVE this awful place!'.

I should see if there is a site where you can rate your doctors because I'd love to copy/paste this review about them on there.

It is snowing horribly today and I normally don't complain about the weather ever but all this dark and gloom is *killing* my photography time, and I have a lot of jewelry that I want to show off and thats not going to happen until I can get some decent natural lighting, since I really don't like artificial light for photos.

In the mean time, I have a lot of rhinestone work to do... a have all these pendants and a skulls to bedazzle. 

I still feel horrible but I've gotten a lot of sales on my shop lately and that just goes right along and fills my heart with joy. I didn't really notice how happy selling things made me, even the small items I'm not actually making money on, until I made like three sales in a week and I just really can't contain my feels right now. It feels nice and wonderful having even some money to be made back.I also have money in my paypal so I can buy more thyroid medication which really helps improve my day.

what can i say i am easy to please

another thyroid post

I've dosed myself up to three pills. So far, not much has changed, but it's been only about two weeks and I've obviously spent a great deal of time with hypothyroid symptoms so I'm not expecting it to hit my body all at once. though with the amount I've been taking I haven't noticed any hyperthyroid symptoms which I probably would be by now if my body had normal thyroid hormone ranges to begin with, as I've been ingesting what can considered a reasonable extra amount of thyroid hormones. THe plus side is that I'm not oding myself on pig hormones, the downside is that these pills are expensive and I'm going to need a whole fucking lot of them.

also, I have changed the banner image to this blog. I like this change a lot

thyroid day four and five

day four- nothing to report. I feel a bit let down that it's not working right away even though I know that it takes week of raising your dose to symptom help to make it work right. I'm just being impatient.

day five- nothing to report. same, same, same. gettin; some writing done. i really want to create big post with all the tatted hearts I have made.

thyroid madness day three

Most of the time I am so sick and so tired that I can't see any way out of my situation except for death. Today I only thought about killing myself less than five times and I think that's a great track record to have.  I really have no more to report? I just feel like I'm in a better more hopeful mood and I'm feelin' a little more creative. it's not a lot. it's something but I'll take just a little bit of something over never ending pain and despair. 

thyroid madness day two

I feel better than I did yesterday, because I don't have a headache. I didn't sleep very well, I had one nightmare after another, I woke up twice at 3 and at 6. I woke up at 11:30 to take my thyroid pill and I took it but then I sorta passed out and slept on my bedroom floor until around 2:30.

Not much to report. I feel how I always do. Tired and sick.

thyroid madness- day 1

Took my first pill at 12:45 PM. It's now 2:31 and I'm going to eat something because I am hungry as hell. Last night I was really worried about my weight loss, lately I've been feeling much "bonier" than I normally do so I went and weighed myself... 99lbs!!! I was worried over nothing. I have problems with keeping on weight when I am sick, it just seems to fall off of me even though I eat like a crazy olympic athelete, I almost got down to below 80lbs one time because i wasn't paying attention. So I try to keep my weight always above 95lbs, if it gets any lower I get really worried about myself and then go eat a lot of bacon. lol

So far I don't feel any different, I think maybe my pulse is racing a bit but I'm also in the middle of writing a pretty intense scene, so maybe that's it! I woke up with a pretty intense migraine. I'm still feeling the migraine but I think after a cup of tea and breakfast, that I will feel much better.

idk why I am writing about this so much except maybe in case someone else who went through what I went through may want to read it and maybe see what I did and perhaps get a view point on it? I did a lot of reading around on the writings of people who have also selfmedicated with the same stuff which made it seem a lot less scary to me. I might edit this post later to keep up on what progress I've made today, but I don't expect much difference.

thyroid madness entry #1

     I got my thyroid pills which I have ordered in a way that is not legal. Someone heard the rattle of the contents of the padded envelop and asked me if I had ordered some more beads. Nope. No beads here. Just questionably legal drugs I'm taking without a doctor's consent or prescription because I can't find a doctor who will listen to me talk about my thyroid symptoms without telling me that I'm just depressed. (Also, in the UK these are sold as over-the-counter, so suck it.) I'm not depressed, I'm pissed as hell because I've spent the past year with horrible symptoms- all of which are indicative of hypothyroid. Just to have my doctors blow me off at appointments, lose my test results, tell me my labs didn't come out right, make me retake the labs, lose my literal blood (thanks intern Dracula), and then take two fucking months to have my test results in. Then they tell me that nothing came up in my results, I'm perfectly normal and that all of my symptoms, including:

• fatigue
• violent periods
• brainfog
• joint pain
• sleeping all the time
• being unable to fall asleep without medication
• weight loss 
• dry, cracking skin
• constipation
• chronic head aches
• memory loss
• no sex drive/inability to have sex at all 
• low body temperature
• discomfort while swallowing
• nausea
• inability to properly absorb iron and vitamin d
• exhaustion
• irritable moods (though honestly I don't think is a symptom of hypothyroid so much to say that someone has a chronic illness or pain, for years at a time, they will be in a horrible mood, because truly, if you felt as sick as I do every day all day with no improvement- you would be miserable. everyone would be miserable. it's the inescapable consequence of any chronic illness. it makes your entire life miserable.)

 which pretty much every one agrees are symptoms of hypothyroid... are a result of my being sad and pathetic and needing to be put on zoloft STAT, because maybe if they put me on enough antidepressants, I will be so brain dead that I will no longer be able to call them up and complain about the treatment I am not getting. I've also found that some of my symptoms, such as my headaches, chronic pain, and heavy periods I've had ever since I was very young! Goodness, having a thyroid problem might actually explain why I've had these problems for so long, and why I haven't improved while on birth control or medications for chronic headache. Maybe I'm not a 'tough case' for these issues, maybe they weren't the cause of the problems to begin with. What a thought that I might have one big problem instead of a schmillion other problems that all magically happened to me *at the same time* for *no real reason*. It makes so much sense when you think about it, the only thing that doesn't make sense is why nobody has ever so much as put the puzzle pieces of my chronic health problems together. C'mon, even an episode of House isn't this obvious. So I'm taking the thyroid pills. They are dissected thyroid, which is basically ground up pig thyroid. Which some might say is gross. I don't care if it is. If  it helps, I don't care what it is or where it comes from. But according to the site, the pigs were organic, grass fed and free range. At least my medication is pesticide free.

        Someone will tell me that self-medicating is wrong and I will tell them to fuck themselves because I'm suffering so much that I'm about to prescribe myself one bullet directly into the brain if I don't get some relief soon. Man, back in the day I used to take pills for fun and now I take them because I am really sick and even though nothing my doctor has given me has proven to help at all, at least I am trying. I keep saying back in the day when I really mean two or three years ago. The time from when I was 18-21 has passed me so quickly and I spent all of it in a whirlwinds of pain and suffering. Hopefully this will work, or at least work partially. I'll take on tenth of a work. That will OK with me. These pills smell kinda gross but honestly, the only pills I have that don't smell a little funky are my b12 supplements that are 'cherry' flavored, and don't taste like cherry but like sugar even though they are sugar free. They don't taste like aspartame either, though. Weird. The only pills I've ever had that didn't have some kind of odor were the antidepressants I took to suppress my migraines which gave me a laundry list of awful symptoms and the withdrawl from hell. So I have the thyroid medication next to me. But I'm not going to take it just yet, I am going to be patient and calm myself the fuck down and approach this logically even though, the idea of feeling better alone is something to literally lunge at.

       You're only supposed to take them on an empty stomach and you shouldn't take them with iron or other vitamin supplements because those can bind with the thyroid hormone. You should also start slow and work your way up. So I have devised a plan:

• I will take my b12, D, and iron before I go to bed. 
• I will take my thyroid pills when I wake up with some tea. 
• Then I will eat a few hours later. Usually I just have like, a high fiber cereal, toast, tea (or second cup of tea, possibly third by then) and some fruit for breakfast. Occasionally bacon if I'm not too tired but lol I am always tired and that's why I'm taking these pills to begin with. 

         I don't want to take them before I go to bed, usually because I'm up eating cake all night, and also because I want to be *awake* for the duration of being able to witness feeling better. So I guess I will just have to calm the fuck down and put off eating for a couple hours.