A Perfect Devil

I am a very isolated person. I think a lot of my problems with being socially retarded come from my early childhood and living with my grandmother and not having any social interaction outside of school. When I was in elementary school I was always living way out in the boon docks, we had no neighbors. All the other kids at school were living in the housing developments or in town so they all knew each other. They went to preschool together, they rode the bus together, their parents were friends, they lived in the same neighborhood. Not me. I was the outsider.  And then I remained the outsider to every friend I ever had after that. I guess I have never been on the 'inside' of a group, only on the outside. For awhile it was really hard to deal with, I was pretty miserable when I was younger. But once I hit 15-16, I guess I finally broke or something because the isolation that made me feel so alone started to become empowering. I embraced my loneliness. It went from being my tormentor to being my best friend.

I had a lot of fantasies about being a hermit in the mountains. For a long time thats what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to go up, up north, live in a cabin and never come back down. And people would tell me, wouldn't you feel lonely? People are social beings. Not me. Well, I don't why it would make me feel lonely. I've been isolated from everyone my entire life, if anything, the idea of a being a hermit is very comforting to me.  For me, being alone just feels good. Someone once told me they were afraid of the dark and I told them to think of the darkness as if it were a big, black blanket that was wrapped around you, keeping you warm and safe.  In some ways, I think the fear of loneliness is just as 'normal' as a fear of the dark, a lot of people are afraid of being a alone. But for me, I think being alone the same way as I think about being the dark, it's like a warm blanket. It's nice. I like it. It's become a preference for me, actually. I have a feeling when I move to Seattle I am going to be in for a big culture shock.