I've been getting a lot more requests to draw things and lately I just haven't been feeling it. Idk, I guess that I'm really more in the mood to tat something, or take pictures, or write. I used to be the draw person. When I was younger I would draw things. Now I make things and really, I'm getting to the point where I prefer that. For me creating things is just the thing that makes me happy. I made a thing. I am looking at the thing I made. It's like I had all these little pieces and I put them together in order to make a thing. The act of finishing an item and holding it to me is probably one of the bet feelings in the world. For me seeing a finished thing is whats gonna' make me happy. It's always nice to sell something or get comments but for me, just knowing that there a thing out there that I made with my hands is what feels good. If I can hold it in my hands, it feels better. That's why I don't like digital art and sometimes feel more than underwhelmed by my own photography, but even with traditional art there's a huge difference in holding a paper and wearing a necklace.

I've been thinking a lot about moths lately. I finally watched silence of the lambs. I've been a huge fan of the books for years now, they are one of my favorites. And I absolutely love the Hannibal TV series... but I had never seen Silence of the Lambs. For years I had been putting it off. It's just another one of those movies that everyone has seen except me, save for this time it's a movie that I would actually enjoy, as opposed to most movies which I dislike. Last night I decided to finally play on my laptop while making jewelry for my shop. The scene where Clarice is in the museum with the that are identifying the moth pupa found in the girls mouth as a deaths head moth and the scientist just says, "somebody loved him" under his breath about the moth as he was looking at in awe just inspired me a lot.  For whatever reason, that one scene just stuck in my mind as I was drawing some sketches of designs I want to make.

So I've decided that I want to publish a series of photo books, one or more for each season. The problem? I have maybe less than 50 publishable winter photographs and literal thousands of spring, summer and fall ones.

Oh well, I suppose the winter book will just have to be disproportionately smaller than the rest.

I am a very isolated person. I think a lot of my problems with being socially retarded come from my early childhood and living with my grandmother and not having any social interaction outside of school. When I was in elementary school I was always living way out in the boon docks, we had no neighbors. All the other kids at school were living in the housing developments or in town so they all knew each other. They went to preschool together, they rode the bus together, their parents were friends, they lived in the same neighborhood. Not me. I was the outsider.  And then I remained the outsider to every friend I ever had after that. I guess I have never been on the 'inside' of a group, only on the outside. For awhile it was really hard to deal with, I was pretty miserable when I was younger. But once I hit 15-16, I guess I finally broke or something because the isolation that made me feel so alone started to become empowering. I embraced my loneliness. It went from being my tormentor to being my best friend.

I had a lot of fantasies about being a hermit in the mountains. For a long time thats what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to go up, up north, live in a cabin and never come back down. And people would tell me, wouldn't you feel lonely? People are social beings. Not me. Well, I don't why it would make me feel lonely. I've been isolated from everyone my entire life, if anything, the idea of a being a hermit is very comforting to me.  For me, being alone just feels good. Someone once told me they were afraid of the dark and I told them to think of the darkness as if it were a big, black blanket that was wrapped around you, keeping you warm and safe.  In some ways, I think the fear of loneliness is just as 'normal' as a fear of the dark, a lot of people are afraid of being a alone. But for me, I think being alone the same way as I think about being the dark, it's like a warm blanket. It's nice. I like it. It's become a preference for me, actually. I have a feeling when I move to Seattle I am going to be in for a big culture shock.

It's getting around that time to think about gardening. There are still high snow banks around here but that just means that I still have time to prepare. I have quite a few perennials and bulbs but I like growing things and most of the perennials I plant die after the first year anyways because our soil is basically plant poison. This year I want to plant lots of cosmos and baby's breath. I also want to plant some:
-nemophila
-foxgloves
-linium
-lupin
-sweet peas
-pansies

I also want to get some new roses, all we have here are some bright pink ones. :C They're two huge bushes full of roses that bloom from May to November but they are just the ugliest color. The color is very upsetting to me. I do applaud the roses for staying alive and being such reliable flowers but their hideous Malibu Barbie pink color is just... upsetting to me. I want some white, red and maybe *pale pink* roses.

Some where I was reading about musicians and the challenges that alternative and indie acts face when it comes to piracy, and one of the comments said something along the lines of, "It's not piracy that kills acts, it's obscurity." I feel like this describes my exact problems when it comes to being a jewelry and fashion designer. I have no idea how to shoot myself out of obscurity. I might as well be sewing handmade invisibility cloaks at this rate. So far my ideas of how to get more page views are:
+submit everything I make on deviantart
+post my stuff to lots of DA clubs and on the forums
+try to use my facebook page. link to facebook page frequently.
+make one item for my shop every day.
+get 200 free project wonderful adspaces every other day

I have no idea how to get notoriety. Like, literally none at all. I actually did host one giveaway and I received a grand total of like, 15 likes on facebook, half of which were from my friends who probably feel bad for me. But hey, I think it worked well because one person got some jewelry they liked so I guess things turned out well. But I see people who aren't nearly as good at artwork as I am making hella bank and getting lots of pageviews, and I just don't get it. What do they have that I don't? It certainly isn't skills, but what else it could be is entirely beyond me.