i am better at baking than making graphics about baking

Like on one hand, I think it's pretty rad that I people I talk to on forums can click a link in my signature and come over here and learn stuff about my crafting hobbies and other thing,s but on the other hand, it does invite people who really dislike me and enjoy singling me out and silencing my contrary opinions to come over here and hate-follow me.. I'm also pretty sure this same person is the one leaving mean comments on this one story I'm updating on ff.net but have no proof of that, it just seem like something they would do. Which is fine with me. I can delete whatever they say just like how they delete everything I say that they happen to disagree with. It goes both ways. :) Oh well, maybe I should just be glad that nobody from den of angels found my posts about owning recast bjds.

I wonder if they feel good about hate following me. I feel like hate following me would be really boring. I don't even get their motivation. I mean I get hate-following since I hate follow a lot of people, (Here's looking at you, Lime Crime) Like what is the point of hate following me? I don't even do anything wrong or even mildly interesting. I'm not even fun to gossip about, there's no scandal in my life to gossip about. I'm just kind of a blunt, arrogant hipster. I post art and craft stuff but my stuff is pretty damn good so it's not like people are looking at it to laugh at. I'd imagine my artwork would just look totally uninteresting to anyone who doesn't like the aesthetic. The only thing I put up public online that gets me a lot of pageviews is my fanfiction and I don't care if people insult my writing. Oh man someone called me a hipster and a troll I better delete this fic I've worked for months on because someone called me a HIPSTER. Oh god. The shaaame. It's like, I really don't have a lot of sore spots that people can really make fun of. I think the only thing that really upsets me in my life is my dead father and thyroid disease. And those are very hard things to make jokes out of.  Maybe I should blog more about my thyroid disease to give this person something fun to look at lol.

plagiarized to death, critically acclaimed

New Angelspit album!!!!! I can say that the high quality production of Angelspit is the main reason why they are my favorite band. They go above and beyond with each release. I really respect that as a fan because I know every time I preorder an album, it's going to be high quality. When Zoog says's he's going to make a lullaby for the antichrist, he makes a lullaby for the antichrist. I feel like Angelspit is probably the best of industrial bands out there, not only for the consistently high production values but also for being really respectful and awesome to their fanbase. Listening to Angelspit always takes my creative ambitions and amps them all the way to 11,000. It is the perfect soundtrack to creative mayhem.


Favorite lines from "The Product":
-You are not a-list, you are craigslist. (the best burn I have ever heard)
-I will leave a crater where you used to stand.
-Plagiarized to death, critically acclaimed.
-"Because God!" (click this link)
-She went out to play with the devil but never came back.
-I love you means so much more when you're gagged. (I saw this line posted on angelspit's facebook as a status a while back. Awesome to see it again!) 
-The queen don't want a king, she wants a nemesis she can fuck.

I hate the disgusting attitudes that so many colleges have. I really dislike how they act like I should be honored with their presence, or acting like them returning my phone calls or emails is some kind of luxury brand treat they are so graciously bestowing upon me. As if this whole college thing is them doing me a favor. How about no? I am a paying customer. If I pay to have my transcripts sent- they better fucking be sent on time. I don't order food at a restaurant and hope that the waiter brings me my fucking food. This is no different. No colleges, you're not doing students "a favor". You are the service, we are the customers. If I was treated in any other place of business with the same rude, dismissive, and condescending treatment I've received at various colleges, I'd be entitled to some free vouchers.

Today I went to tj maxx and got one of those shower organizers to hang my necklaces on. I was going to make a fancy one but I got lazy. This was 8$ and it performs the basic function of storing and displaying all my necklaces so I can find them quickly for shipping.  Half of these are for my store, the other 20 or so are all my personal collection. I don't need any necklaces. I think I'll just buy ring from now on... replace one addiction for the other. Tackling my store of rings will be my next big challenge. lol.

My other sweet grabs from tj's includes a nice big bottle of food grade lavender buds from their spice collection. Don't judge me they have cheap and tasty tea and spices. Plus I now have tons of lavender, I have so much lavender I'm not sure quite what I'll do with it, but I've already got lavender tea cake on my mind.

Chronic illness is so not punk rock. I feel like a lot of music is all about the enemy from the outside. Fuck the system. Bring down 'the man'! Smash the patriarchy. Blow up the corporate buildings. But there's no songs about turmoil from the inside. Sure, we have 'punktorian' (that is neither punk rock nor victorian) like Emilie Autumn who sings about mental illness, but really most of her songs are about how much she hates the medical system (and here we're back to fuck the system), Billy Corgan, doctors, lithium, misogyny, etc. It's always about what "the system" or whatever enemy you put to introduce... is doing to fuck up your life. It's about taking the blame and throwing it at someone else and screaming, "look at what you fucked up!" Even in the case of mental illness, it's all about "the illness", the imbalance is destroying you. It's all about you vs. "the system". But if what if there is no system that destroys you? What if the destruction is truly from within?

Sometimes, I feel like theres no music that I can really relate to how I feel right now. I feel like this is more of an HP Lovecraft scenario, what chronic illness is to me anyways. It's some cosmic, unfathomable thing that comes in without rhyme or reason to chew up your life and spit you back from it's broken glass jaw as nothing more than a pile of broken bones and dreams. It has no reasons. It's not your douchey exlover who chided you for cutting yourself. It's not the greed of corporations that corrupts our government into taking from the poor and giving to the the rich. It's not some outside "force". It's cosmic. There is no reason or rhyme why this happened to me.

 I'm not special. I'm not different. My choices didn't land me here. I didn't smoke one pack a day into lung cancer, I didn't eat myself into diabetes. It happened. It happened just because it could happen. There is no rationale. There is no blaming this on someone else. I can't even blame myself for it. It's this destructive force that is without motive, without reason, so inhuman and unstoppable. It has nothing that it wants, it has no motive to be there, it is an unstoppable cosmic force that doesn't have a will to act of it's own. It is an insperable parasite that is attached ot every cell in my body. It can be understood as something that can't be destroyed and that's it. It's terror for terror's sake.

In essence, chronic illness is so not punk rock. It is quite eldritch, though.

I really don't care if I seem boring to other people on the outside. My appearance is the opposite of colorful, I wear all monochromatic colors, with the occasional red, but I'm trying to phase red out of my wardrobe now that my hair is it's natural dark brown and no longer the sanguine blood red that it used to be. I actually prefer the dark brown over the red; because it's dark and dreary and dull. It makes me look pale and dead without the artificial 'harshness' of purely black hair. In a way, it's much more 'goth' than the bright red. I like looking corpse like, I like being all black, I like the look of "boring" and monochromatic. I don't care if it seems boring that I spend all of my free time making art. I have no basis on which to connect with most other people. I may as well be of another breed entirely. Other people have friends, they have families.

The "artists" and "writers" I've met are more focused on making friends and talking about making art than they actually are on making art. They spend more time talking with people and bragging about being an artist than they spend on, y'know, actually making some fucking art. Not me.  I've got sore hands and no social life. And if someone wants to look at me and think, "look at her all in black with no friends, she must be one of those boring, depressed, goths," I don't really care. I've got a box full of lace I've made at home.

I have two moods:
-so tired I can't function
-asleep