A Perfect Devil

Chronic illness is so not punk rock. I feel like a lot of music is all about the enemy from the outside. Fuck the system. Bring down 'the man'! Smash the patriarchy. Blow up the corporate buildings. But there's no songs about turmoil from the inside. Sure, we have 'punktorian' (that is neither punk rock nor victorian) like Emilie Autumn who sings about mental illness, but really most of her songs are about how much she hates the medical system (and here we're back to fuck the system), Billy Corgan, doctors, lithium, misogyny, etc. It's always about what "the system" or whatever enemy you put to introduce... is doing to fuck up your life. It's about taking the blame and throwing it at someone else and screaming, "look at what you fucked up!" Even in the case of mental illness, it's all about "the illness", the imbalance is destroying you. It's all about you vs. "the system". But if what if there is no system that destroys you? What if the destruction is truly from within?

Sometimes, I feel like theres no music that I can really relate to how I feel right now. I feel like this is more of an HP Lovecraft scenario, what chronic illness is to me anyways. It's some cosmic, unfathomable thing that comes in without rhyme or reason to chew up your life and spit you back from it's broken glass jaw as nothing more than a pile of broken bones and dreams. It has no reasons. It's not your douchey exlover who chided you for cutting yourself. It's not the greed of corporations that corrupts our government into taking from the poor and giving to the the rich. It's not some outside "force". It's cosmic. There is no reason or rhyme why this happened to me.

 I'm not special. I'm not different. My choices didn't land me here. I didn't smoke one pack a day into lung cancer, I didn't eat myself into diabetes. It happened. It happened just because it could happen. There is no rationale. There is no blaming this on someone else. I can't even blame myself for it. It's this destructive force that is without motive, without reason, so inhuman and unstoppable. It has nothing that it wants, it has no motive to be there, it is an unstoppable cosmic force that doesn't have a will to act of it's own. It is an insperable parasite that is attached ot every cell in my body. It can be understood as something that can't be destroyed and that's it. It's terror for terror's sake.

In essence, chronic illness is so not punk rock. It is quite eldritch, though.