I changed the theme on my storenvy, I really like it. The background and logo used to be very dark, but I think that the lighter background and design are much nicer, plus the new themed has a much more rococo inspired look to it, but with moths. :) I love my nocturnal winged bros.

I swear I have called almost every single doctor in the area, and almost all of them simply will not see new patients at all, I even called doctors who don't take my insurance, and it was a no, because they aren't taking new patients and won't even accept me if I pay upfront in cash. Not even within the scope of my small town, I mean every doctor within a two hour drive of my location. I've even tried contacting an osteopath or naturopath, and nothing. And every endocrinologist in the area outright refuses to see patients without a referral from a GP, because it's "in high demand" and they don't want to "waste their time". (More reasons for me to dislike the idiots of the world who ate their way into type-two diabetes) And no, talking to my current doctors office will not, and has never helped me at all, they are so fucking stupid that I'd probably get better treatment from a fake doctor in a third world country than I would at their office. I don't even get to speak with the actual doctor at my current gp's office, I get to speak with the PA; who may be nice and cute and polite but being nice and cute and polite doesn't mean that she actually knows what the fuck she's talking about because she very clearly, does not.

 I have nothing against PAs. I see the PA at my neurologists office and she is great and helpful. I'm not even against doctors, most doctors I met have been great and thanks to my numerous health problems- I've seen a lot of doctors in my life. It's just that my GP and everyone at their office is horribly incompetent, idiotic, and will not offer me decent healthcare at all despite the fact that I actually really need some goddamn heath care. It's not like I've stubbed my toe and spent almost two years whining about it. I have what is an extremely damaging and harmful endocrine disease that is slowly destroying my body and ruining every aspect of my entire life. This is not something you want your doctors to dick around with. Yet they have: dismissed all of my claims at every possible moment, have blown me off when I have tried to schedule many, many appointments, won't give me a referral to see an endo, take over two months to get the results of my bloodwork then inform me that they've actually lost some of my blood and couldn't even get all the test results back, told me that I am "just depressed" and should consider taking an antidepressant (no I did not get a psych eval before they said this), and the most they've been willing to help me with is send me off to a dermatologist for my hair loss who told me that my scalp is perfectly healthy and it' s probably falling out because of a hormonal imbalance... then I asked them for a referral to an endo and they ignored me time and time again and won't even answer my calls and I've been trying to get a new doctor for months and now I'm taking questionably legal pills because thats literally the only option I am left with.

I'm pretty sure the reason why they are the only doctor in the area is because nobody else in their right mind would want to see them. I certainly don't. The only reason why I'd step foot in their office again is to scream loudly at the patients in the waiting room with, 'stop what you are doing and LEAVE this awful place!'.

I should see if there is a site where you can rate your doctors because I'd love to copy/paste this review about them on there.

It is snowing horribly today and I normally don't complain about the weather ever but all this dark and gloom is *killing* my photography time, and I have a lot of jewelry that I want to show off and thats not going to happen until I can get some decent natural lighting, since I really don't like artificial light for photos.

In the mean time, I have a lot of rhinestone work to do... a have all these pendants and a skulls to bedazzle. 

I still feel horrible but I've gotten a lot of sales on my shop lately and that just goes right along and fills my heart with joy. I didn't really notice how happy selling things made me, even the small items I'm not actually making money on, until I made like three sales in a week and I just really can't contain my feels right now. It feels nice and wonderful having even some money to be made back.I also have money in my paypal so I can buy more thyroid medication which really helps improve my day.

what can i say i am easy to please

another thyroid post

I've dosed myself up to three pills. So far, not much has changed, but it's been only about two weeks and I've obviously spent a great deal of time with hypothyroid symptoms so I'm not expecting it to hit my body all at once. though with the amount I've been taking I haven't noticed any hyperthyroid symptoms which I probably would be by now if my body had normal thyroid hormone ranges to begin with, as I've been ingesting what can considered a reasonable extra amount of thyroid hormones. THe plus side is that I'm not oding myself on pig hormones, the downside is that these pills are expensive and I'm going to need a whole fucking lot of them.

also, I have changed the banner image to this blog. I like this change a lot

thyroid day four and five

day four- nothing to report. I feel a bit let down that it's not working right away even though I know that it takes week of raising your dose to symptom help to make it work right. I'm just being impatient.

day five- nothing to report. same, same, same. gettin; some writing done. i really want to create big post with all the tatted hearts I have made.

thyroid madness day three

Most of the time I am so sick and so tired that I can't see any way out of my situation except for death. Today I only thought about killing myself less than five times and I think that's a great track record to have.  I really have no more to report? I just feel like I'm in a better more hopeful mood and I'm feelin' a little more creative. it's not a lot. it's something but I'll take just a little bit of something over never ending pain and despair. 

thyroid madness day two

I feel better than I did yesterday, because I don't have a headache. I didn't sleep very well, I had one nightmare after another, I woke up twice at 3 and at 6. I woke up at 11:30 to take my thyroid pill and I took it but then I sorta passed out and slept on my bedroom floor until around 2:30.

Not much to report. I feel how I always do. Tired and sick.

thyroid madness- day 1

Took my first pill at 12:45 PM. It's now 2:31 and I'm going to eat something because I am hungry as hell. Last night I was really worried about my weight loss, lately I've been feeling much "bonier" than I normally do so I went and weighed myself... 99lbs!!! I was worried over nothing. I have problems with keeping on weight when I am sick, it just seems to fall off of me even though I eat like a crazy olympic athelete, I almost got down to below 80lbs one time because i wasn't paying attention. So I try to keep my weight always above 95lbs, if it gets any lower I get really worried about myself and then go eat a lot of bacon. lol

So far I don't feel any different, I think maybe my pulse is racing a bit but I'm also in the middle of writing a pretty intense scene, so maybe that's it! I woke up with a pretty intense migraine. I'm still feeling the migraine but I think after a cup of tea and breakfast, that I will feel much better.

idk why I am writing about this so much except maybe in case someone else who went through what I went through may want to read it and maybe see what I did and perhaps get a view point on it? I did a lot of reading around on the writings of people who have also selfmedicated with the same stuff which made it seem a lot less scary to me. I might edit this post later to keep up on what progress I've made today, but I don't expect much difference.

thyroid madness entry #1

     I got my thyroid pills which I have ordered in a way that is not legal. Someone heard the rattle of the contents of the padded envelop and asked me if I had ordered some more beads. Nope. No beads here. Just questionably legal drugs I'm taking without a doctor's consent or prescription because I can't find a doctor who will listen to me talk about my thyroid symptoms without telling me that I'm just depressed. (Also, in the UK these are sold as over-the-counter, so suck it.) I'm not depressed, I'm pissed as hell because I've spent the past year with horrible symptoms- all of which are indicative of hypothyroid. Just to have my doctors blow me off at appointments, lose my test results, tell me my labs didn't come out right, make me retake the labs, lose my literal blood (thanks intern Dracula), and then take two fucking months to have my test results in. Then they tell me that nothing came up in my results, I'm perfectly normal and that all of my symptoms, including:

• fatigue
• violent periods
• brainfog
• joint pain
• sleeping all the time
• being unable to fall asleep without medication
• weight loss 
• dry, cracking skin
• constipation
• chronic head aches
• memory loss
• no sex drive/inability to have sex at all 
• low body temperature
• discomfort while swallowing
• nausea
• inability to properly absorb iron and vitamin d
• exhaustion
• irritable moods (though honestly I don't think is a symptom of hypothyroid so much to say that someone has a chronic illness or pain, for years at a time, they will be in a horrible mood, because truly, if you felt as sick as I do every day all day with no improvement- you would be miserable. everyone would be miserable. it's the inescapable consequence of any chronic illness. it makes your entire life miserable.)

 which pretty much every one agrees are symptoms of hypothyroid... are a result of my being sad and pathetic and needing to be put on zoloft STAT, because maybe if they put me on enough antidepressants, I will be so brain dead that I will no longer be able to call them up and complain about the treatment I am not getting. I've also found that some of my symptoms, such as my headaches, chronic pain, and heavy periods I've had ever since I was very young! Goodness, having a thyroid problem might actually explain why I've had these problems for so long, and why I haven't improved while on birth control or medications for chronic headache. Maybe I'm not a 'tough case' for these issues, maybe they weren't the cause of the problems to begin with. What a thought that I might have one big problem instead of a schmillion other problems that all magically happened to me *at the same time* for *no real reason*. It makes so much sense when you think about it, the only thing that doesn't make sense is why nobody has ever so much as put the puzzle pieces of my chronic health problems together. C'mon, even an episode of House isn't this obvious. So I'm taking the thyroid pills. They are dissected thyroid, which is basically ground up pig thyroid. Which some might say is gross. I don't care if it is. If  it helps, I don't care what it is or where it comes from. But according to the site, the pigs were organic, grass fed and free range. At least my medication is pesticide free.

        Someone will tell me that self-medicating is wrong and I will tell them to fuck themselves because I'm suffering so much that I'm about to prescribe myself one bullet directly into the brain if I don't get some relief soon. Man, back in the day I used to take pills for fun and now I take them because I am really sick and even though nothing my doctor has given me has proven to help at all, at least I am trying. I keep saying back in the day when I really mean two or three years ago. The time from when I was 18-21 has passed me so quickly and I spent all of it in a whirlwinds of pain and suffering. Hopefully this will work, or at least work partially. I'll take on tenth of a work. That will OK with me. These pills smell kinda gross but honestly, the only pills I have that don't smell a little funky are my b12 supplements that are 'cherry' flavored, and don't taste like cherry but like sugar even though they are sugar free. They don't taste like aspartame either, though. Weird. The only pills I've ever had that didn't have some kind of odor were the antidepressants I took to suppress my migraines which gave me a laundry list of awful symptoms and the withdrawl from hell. So I have the thyroid medication next to me. But I'm not going to take it just yet, I am going to be patient and calm myself the fuck down and approach this logically even though, the idea of feeling better alone is something to literally lunge at.

       You're only supposed to take them on an empty stomach and you shouldn't take them with iron or other vitamin supplements because those can bind with the thyroid hormone. You should also start slow and work your way up. So I have devised a plan:

• I will take my b12, D, and iron before I go to bed. 
• I will take my thyroid pills when I wake up with some tea. 
• Then I will eat a few hours later. Usually I just have like, a high fiber cereal, toast, tea (or second cup of tea, possibly third by then) and some fruit for breakfast. Occasionally bacon if I'm not too tired but lol I am always tired and that's why I'm taking these pills to begin with. 

         I don't want to take them before I go to bed, usually because I'm up eating cake all night, and also because I want to be *awake* for the duration of being able to witness feeling better. So I guess I will just have to calm the fuck down and put off eating for a couple hours.